The very first synod

Originally posted on May 22nd 2021

Scene: the Garden of Eden, c. 4004 B.C. Present: Adam, Eve, Serpent, all naked.*

*An old custom for synods revived in Germany in 2025.

Serpent: Now, Adam and Eve, welcome to the Garden of Eden Synod. As the only talking creatures in this area, God has asked us to hold this meeting. Apparently He likes synods.

Adam: I don't remember Him mentioning this to us.

Serpent: He said it to me when you were down the garden. Trust me, I'm a Jesuit. Why, in six thousand years from now a pope will call a three-year synod about synods in order to discuss synods about synods. So they must be what God wants.

Dialogue is a GOOD THING.

Eve: What's a pope?

Serpent: Never mind that for now. Let's get started. Now I think we all know each other, so let's have item 1 on the agenda. Should we eat the apples on the tree in the middle of the garden?

Adam: No, God said we should not. [Opens copy of THE GENESIS HERALD.] Yes, here it is, just before the bit about summer fashions made of figleaves.

Serpent: Ah, but we may find we disagree. Would it not be a cruel persecution of the LGBA (Loves Great Big Apples) community?

Adam: How about a period of discernment to help us decide on this one?

Eve: Good idea. [Discerns for ten seconds.] Let's do it.

Serpent: Excellent. Apple pie for tea, then.

[All applaud the success of the Synod.]

Spoiler: it turns out badly.

A guest post from Peter Hitchens (age 11)

Originally posted on January 25th 2018.

In skool we have been studdying the CATHLIC MATERS under Queen Elizzabeth, who was CHURCH OF ENGGLAND cheers cheers, and not a nasty Cathlic like her sister BLODDY MARRY. Mr CRANNMER our histry teecher told us to go and read the "orthoritative text" on the refformation, which is 1066 and all that. This tells us that queen elizzabeth was a GOOD THING and was known as GOOD QUEEN BESS, especially by all the people she had executted.

The book is jolly exciting, as it hav lots of bludshed in it, and people being hung, drawn and quatered cheers. I asked mr crannmer if we could do a skool play with fotherington-tomas in the roll of edmund campoin, but he said no, hitchens, fotherington-tomas may be a cathlic but you must show MERCY. This is wot he calls being ECUMENICKLE chiz chiz. I discard him.

We hav also been reeding fox's book of maters, which explanes that all the angliccans that died were HEROES and all the cathlics were traitors. Who would have thort that religoin could do that my dere?

The hitchens-peason anti-cathlic trapp.

Anyway, in brief the story is that all cathlics were giulty of TREESON, because POP PUIS V in ROM said that GOOD QUEEN BESS was a HERETTIC and not SAVED and shuold not be the QUEEN. So it was ILLEGAL to be a cathlic preist, and also to go to MASS. In fact it was probabbly ILLEGAL to beleive in God, becuase I asked MR WELLBY the skool chaplin, and he says that the traditoin of ATHIESM in the church of enggland is very strong even to this day.

This is MAGARET CLITHEROE who was a secret agent for POP PUIS chiz.

We also studdied the MATERDOM of magaret clitheroe, who was a sort of MARTYR HARI spy for the POP and spent her time sheltering cathlic preists rather than doing the PATROITIC THING and handing them over to be hung, drawn and quatered. She was killed by having HEAVY WIEGHTS squashing her, which was a GOOD THING and made everyone VERY HAPPY.

Well thats all ive got time for now, but you can lern more about the GOLDEN AGE of RELIGOIN on my twitter account or the MALE ON SUNDAY.

A thoroughly modern Muslim

Originally posted on 23rd May 2013.

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson is one of the new breed of "liberal" Muslims, most of whom were greatly influenced by the "Mecca II" council of the 1960s.

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson.

When I came to interview him in his beautiful Kensington house, from which he operates London's biggest camel-hire business, he explained that, although culturally a Muslim, his religious beliefs had been much influenced by modern liberals such as Polly Toynbee, George Galloway, and Tina Beattie.

In fact, Islamic belief in Britain is currently in a state of flux, as the so-called "Magic Crescent" of liberal Ayatollahs is anxious to welcome all believers, regardless of colour, race, creed, sexual orientation or even religious conviction. George naturally finds his place in a liberal Mosque, where they even hold "gay" services.

The Mosque where Imam Nichols operates.

George's charming wife Aisha (age 9) was away at the Cat Stevens Primary School when I called round, but she had left a pile of sausage rolls for us to consume with our Château Hamza claret, in itself a sign that George no longer follows the Islamic customs as strictly as his ancestors (the Cholmondeley-Farquharsons of Libya) used to.

Food for a modern Muslim.

I asked him about his praying rituals. Did he make use of a prayer mat for regular worship ad orientem? George explained to me that, since Mecca II, it had become customary for prayers to be held in a west-facing position, so that one had one's back towards Allah. Moreover, the traditional prayer mat had been in urgent need of modernization.

Novus Ordo prayer mat.

George himself is very fond of participating in ecumenical services - for example he attends a Catholic church in the Southwark archdiocese where the deacon welcomes Muslim worshippers, explaining that "After all, we all believe the same thing really."

George has not been on the traditional haj, finding Mecca a little too expensive for a pilgrimage. However, he is shortly planning a two-week stay in Bradford, visiting the Alhambra Theatre, a well-known shrine. Here he plans to hear a Paul Inwood arrangement of sacred Islamic music, played by the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

The Alhambra, Bradford, soon to host sacred music from the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

Finally I asked George about his cultural traditions. "Well, I am a very ecumenical Muslim, so I feel slighly uneasy about smiting the infidel," he explained. "In our weekly Koran-study classes, we learn that we are promised 72 virgins in Paradise if we go berserk and slaughter a few Christians. But then - who wants 72 mothers-in-law? No, I decided to go for the lesser 'all the sherbet you can eat' option, and this only required me to cut the hands off the local vicar."

Father Cleese, of the Church Militant.

As I said my farewells to George, I reflected that Islam, the religion of peace, is adapting itself very well to modern secular culture. How can anyone find anything objectionable in George's lifestyle?

Welcome to Pagan Voices!

Originally posted on 30th October 2019.

My dear friend Austen Ivereigh and I have decided to start a new organization, Pagan Voices. The object of our team will be to improve the Pagan Church's representation in the media, above all in news programmes and debates. Expect to see us on many radio and television programmes in future, where we are certain to make a big impression on bishops and broadcasters alike.

Our new logo, the pregnant Pachamama idol.

The founding of our organization is a direct response to the bad publicity that the recent Pachamama Synod received in the Catholic media - many people labelling it as "pagan" without fully understanding the spiritual nourishment obtainable from pagan beliefs. Austen and I meet regularly to say prayers to the great Mother Earth Goddess, to kiss the soil, and to talk to the trees. Today my colleague received an offer of £10 million from a Nigerian who wants to borrow his bank account. If that doesn't prove that Pachamama answers our prayers, then I'm just a useless lump of wood drifting down the Tiber!

So far we have not yet received an answer from Pope Francis to our request that he become a sponsor of Pagan Voices. Although he was present when Our Lady Pachamama was honoured, we fear that he may use the same excuse that Jeremy Corbyn did when spotted participating in a wreath-laying ceremony for terrorists: "I was present, but I don’t think I was actually involved."

Pope Francis is not yet a fully-confirmed member of our Church.

Still, Austen has already begun work on the third and last volume of his Pope Francis trilogy, "Pope Francis, the great pagan," which should be out in time for Christmas 2020.

That's it really. If anyone wants to become a "Pagan Voices" spokesman, contact Austen, and he will book you onto his classes, where you will learn to speak in a deep mystical voice, throwing out all the standard catchphrases abour Mother Nature, Laudato Si', and the Great Pregnant Earth Goddess who will give birth to new Redeemer (or so Austen tells me).

Liturgy for G. K. Chesterton

Originally posted on August 3rd 2013.

Special Liturgy for the Feast of Gilbert of Beaconsfield (May 29th)

The opening words

Priest, Fr Brown (for it is he): I'm sorry, but the 
bishop's late. He missed the train.
People: The only way to be sure of catching a train is 
to miss the one before it.
Priest: The bishop comes from Birmingham...
People: By way of Beachy Head.

Naught for your comfort: the bishop was last seen here.

Reading from Holy Scripture
John 2:1-11, the story of the turning of water into wine.

The prayers

Priest: We pray for the canonization of St Gilbert.
People: It has not been tried and found wanting; 
it has been found difficult and not tried.
Priest: We shall now have a moment of silent prayer.
Deacon: The poets have been mysteriously 
silent on the subject of cheese.
Priest: Ssshhh!

A subject for prayer and contemplation.

Priest: It isn't that they can't see the solution... 
People: It is that they can't see the problem.
Priest: If a thing is worth doing... 
People: It is worth doing badly.
Priest: A dead thing can go with the stream...
People: But only a living thing can go against it.

The Dismissal

Priest: The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, 
and also to love our enemies...
People: Probably because they are generally the same people.
Priest: Will someone take me to a pub?
People: Good idea!

Our soon-to-be patron saint with his own Luvvly (Frances) Blogg.

Pope Francis explains the miracles of Jesus

Originally posted on June 26th 2019

As all modern Catholics know, there is an easy explanation for the "miracle" of the feeding of the 5,000; namely, that it was all a matter of the happy picknickers sharing what they already had. This theory has now been endorsed by no less than Pope Francis himself.

Explaining away miracles is a good way to make Catholicism popular among atheists, as these guys have always had problems with believing in God, the supernatural etc., and these ideas are not, strictly speaking, needed in modern Catholicism.

Pope Francis went on to explain some of the other alleged miracles of Jesus:

The miracle at Cana (John 2). Yes, indeed the host's wine ran out. But the guests at the wedding knew that the host was an old stingy-chops, and smuggled in their own bottles and hip flasks, which (as it is recorded in the gospels) contained much better stuff, anyway.

"That reminds me, I do have a few bottles with me."

The paralysed man (Mark 2). This was the chap who was let down from the roof of someone's house, and was told, "Take up your bed and walk." It's clear what happened here: old Habakkuk was the laziest man in Capernaum, and had taken to his bed, rather than do an honest day's work. Jesus knew this, and told him to get up.

The man possessed by demons (Luke 8). This is greatly exaggerated, of course. The man was actually singing a selection of hymns such as "Gather us in", "Walk in the Light", and "Kumbayah". This upset a herd of pigs with great musical taste, and they all rushed into the sea to escape. Seeing this, the man instantly sobered up and went on to compose "Lord of the Dance". No, that can't be exactly right. But something like that happened.

Sorry, I couldn't find a picture of a man possessed by demons.

The raising of Lazarus (John 11-12). Of course, raising people from the dead is impossible. No doubt, Lazarus wasn't really dead, but was pretending to be dead for tax reasons. You try sitting around in a tomb for a few days, and people will naturally come to the conclusion that you have passed on, especially if you hang a sign saying "R.I.P." on the door.

Walking on the water and stilling the storm (Matthew 8 and 14). This is greatly exaggerated, and no doubt Jesus had found a underwater causeway: alternatively, He had been practising some sort of circus act. As for stilling the storm, well the trick is to say "Be still" just as the weather is getting better. Any competent meteorologist can do it.

St Peter decides to try going by car.

Answering questions (Matthew 22). No, we don't have an explanation for this one. Pope Francis has been unable to answer five simple Dubia ("it would be a miracle if he could"), so it is a complete mystery how Jesus managed to tackle some distinctly thorny questions from the Pharisees and Sadducees. It's simply amazing.

Why JAMES J MARTIN, SJ is the Beast of the Apocalypse

Originally posted on April 28th 2019.

As Revelation 13:18 records:

Here is wisdom. He that hath understanding, let him count the number of the beast. For it is the number of a man: and the number of him is six hundred sixty-six.

Many attempts have been made to identify the beast. Could St John have meant Nero? Or was it a prediction of Napoleon? Or Hitler? Now, at last I have found the answer.

Eccles's assistant help with the hard sums.

One of the standard codings of the alphabet is the following:

A=1, B=2, C=3, ..., I=9,
J=10, K=20, L=30, ..., R=90,
S=100, T=200, U=300, ..., Z=800.

So we tried putting in various names such as FATHER (310), JAMES (156), MARTIN (390), LGBT (239), JESUIT (624), but nothing seemd to work. But then, Divine Inspiration! Fr James Martin actually has a middle initial, as is documented in several places, and it is J! (Nobody seems to know what it stands for, but my guess is Judas.)

Thus we have:

JAMES J MARTIN SJ = 156 + 10 + 390 + 110 = 666.

Well, who else could it be? When the man isn't promoting his "Mary Magdalene was the Church" heresy, or attacking traditional worship, he decides to get people talking about him by tweeting stuff like this:

About homosexuality (inevitably). Heretical views (inevitably).

I suspect that James J. Martin SJ has known about the apocalyptic interpretation of his name for some time - why else would he stop using the second initial?

So where do we go from there? Do we get an interview, with, say Steve Colbert?

Colbert: Jim, I understand that, in addition to being a best-selling author, fashion expert, and part-time priest, you are also the Beast of the Apocalypse?

Martin: Heh heh heh, yes, that's right. From now on I'm going to put "BOTA" as well as "SJ" and "LGBT" after my name when I sell myself for speeches, fashion shows, gay pride marches etc.

Colbert: Jim, you're the sort of Catholic I can really go with!

Apparently he's very fond of country music too.